Someone else must have shot the bear

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Jim, an 85 year old man goes to his doctor. He tells the doctor he can't get his dick hard. The doctor gets annoyed and tells Jim its because he is to...
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Curtains for my PC

blonde
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assures her that they...
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Psychic Daughter

Psychic-Daughter
Bill is putting his young daughter to bed one night and as he walks out the bedroom door he hears her saying her prayers. She says, "God bless mommy, ...
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A True Irish Ghost Story

true-hitchhiking-horror
This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its said to be true! John Bradford, a Dublin Unive...
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'Cos I can't see it without a microscope!!!

cant-see-it
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The prou...
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There are four kinds of sex

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There are four kinds of sex : HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. BEDROOM SEX - After you have been ...
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Setting up the boundaries

wedding
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He procee...
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The drunken sailor

Drunken-Sailor
There was a sailor who worked on the same boat for three years. One night he got drunk. This was the first time it ever happened. The captain recorded...
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The Shipwrecked Barrel

barrel_woman
One morning the shipwrecked mariner noticed something floating towards the deserted island that had become his home since his ship sank six months ago...
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Worst people to run into?

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Men who drive fucking gigantic shinny pickups that they obviously just have as ego-boosters who fucking tailgates you on an empty stretch of motorway ...
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My next life - George Carlin (1937 - 2008)

george-carlin
I want to live my next life backwards: You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. Th...
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Never forget your past...

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Bill Gates was at a restaurant. After finishing his meal, he gave the waiter $5 as a tip. The waiter had a strange look on his face on receiving the t...
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We only removed his cataracts

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A Nottingham woman has lost her case at Nottingham magistrate court today after she tried to sue NUH Queens Medical Centre after her husband went in f...
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Farmer is definitely earthly... not a Martian

Space-Farmer
One day, a space ship landed in a farmer's field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife. As a tok...
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Doctor advice young lady: Cut back on church contribution!

doctor-advice
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his...
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King Rat

king-rat
A rat swallowed a diamond and the owner of the diamond contracted a man to kill the rat. When the rat hunter arrived to kill the rat there were more t...
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Food service... observe hygiene please.

foodsanitation
A guy walked into a bar and saw a sign that said cheeseburgers 3$ hotdogs 5$ and handjobs 10$ He goes to the bar and asks the lady "are you the one th...
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Insulting the Traffic Cop

trafic-cop
My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went out to him and I said to him "...
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Sorry, we don't serve blondes!

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A blonde walks into a store and asks, may I buy that tv, the store salesman say, sorry, we don't serve blondes. she comes the next day with her hair d...
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Reason I came to see you, doctor

medical-examination
A young woman goes to see her doctor. Doctor says, how can i help you today , she replies i have a nasty rash on my body i got on holiday-i'm not sure...
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Paid to climb up a flagpole

girl-climb-pole
Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole. Girl: ok.(climbs the flagpole) Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole. Mo...
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The countdown to birthday

images
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover's spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light...
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The DNA Test

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After 3 years, a wife starts to think that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the child is actually from...
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A hamster's trip to the vet

hamster-trip
The little girl brought her hamster into the vet because it hadn't moved from the side of its cage in days. When asked if anything had happened, the l...
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Husband Wanted!

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A lonely 70 year old widow decided she wants to marry again so she put an advert in the local newspaper that read "Husband required. Must be my age gr...
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Take 3 times a day after meal

take-3-times-a-day
My patient announced she had good news … and bad. “The medicine for my earache worked,” she said. “What’s the bad news?” I asked. “It tasted awful.” S...
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The Difference Between Dogs And Cats

cats_dogs
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me and take good care of me...THEY MUST BE G...
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An Uber Passenger Taps The Driver On The Shoulder

uber-driver
An Uber passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on ...
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Three Brothers Age 92, 94 And 96 Live Together

knock-knock
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old ...
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How to Get Really Smart

How-to-Get-Really-Smar_20180811-084958_1
A customer at Stingray Fishmongers marveled at the owner's quick wit and intelligence. 'Tell me, Simon, what makes you so smart?' 'I wouldn't share my...
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Some smart-ass kids

smart-ass-kids
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher TEACHER: Clyde, your compositi...
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Flight Information: Departure after Arrival

arrivals
The situation: you are trying to book a flight online. Inadvertently, you insert the information in the wrong order, the Departure date is later than ...
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Round Like a Shot

armed-response
Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things. I phoned the police but was told there was no one in the area to help. The ...
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Two Heads are Better Than One

two-heads
An American tourist travelling in County Clare came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere 200 Irish punts (...
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Sound Advice —A Chinese Tale

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A young man was working in the family garden when his older brother called out to him to come in and have lunch. “Wait a minute!" shouted the younger ...
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Blonde on Blonde

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A blonde police officer stops a car. In the car sits a blonde woman. The police officer asks for her driving license. The blonde woman is a bit puzzle...
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“She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”

optician
Some bloke sat next to me on the train today and pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s be...
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Farmer buys a young cock to help out farming

Farmer buys a young cock to help out  farming
A farmer owns 25 young hens ? and one old cock ... As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one you...
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This is a *REAL Neurological screening Test*

This is a *REAL Neurological screening Test*
Note the words below. Initially, you will have difficulty reading them. However, gradually your brain will interpret the words correctly. Please give ...
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Fill in the blank

Fill in the blank
Colleen is the daughter of Dave. So Dave is the ________ of Colleen's father. Only a genius can answer. Please answer correctly, I'm tired of laughing...
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A young man with his pants hanging half off his bum, two gold front teeth and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local Job Centre to pick up his cheque.

A young man with his pants hanging half off his bum, two gold front teeth and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local Job Centre to pick up his cheque.
A young man with his pants hanging half off his bum, two gold front teeth and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local Job ...
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How is this possible?

How is this possible?
I'm 20, my uncle is 60. Now he is 3 times older than me, but in 20 years, when I'm 40, he will be just 2 times older. How is this possible? Oxford Uni...
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Six great confusions Still unresolved

Six great confusions Still unresolved
Six great confusions Still unresolved 1. At a movie theatre, which arm rest is yours? 2. In the word scent, is "S" is silent or "C"? 3. If people evol...
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There is always one son of a bitch

There is always one son of a bitch
A bus full of ugly people met after an accident; all of them died. Before entering Heaven, they each got one wish. The first said: "Make me beautiful"...
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Three Nairobi University guys dodged exam because they did not study.

Three Nairobi University guys dodged exam because they did not study.
Three Nairobi University guys dodged exam because they did not study. They came up with a plan,got themselves dirty using grease, then went to see the...
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There once was an Indian who had only one testicle.

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle.
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle. And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Oneston...
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A madman and 4X4

A madman and 4X4
_A mad man saw a brand new 4X4 car parked in front of a house. He said "waow the owner of this car is very dumb...simple 4×4 he cannot solve"...he the...
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It was a practical session in the psychology class.

It was a practical session in the psychology class.
The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it. The rat was in the middle of the cage. Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on one side a...
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"A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm.

"A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm.
"A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm. When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened. . Farmer: They crashed ne...
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*HOUSE RULES - by a guy* _Finally, the guys' side of the story._

*HOUSE RULES - by a guy* _Finally, the guys' side of the story._
We always hear 'THE RULES' from the FEMALE SIDE, now here are *THE RULES* from the MALE SIDE: PLEASE NOTE: 1⃣ THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE! 2⃣...
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